Facebook. The Coliseum for “look at me” warriors to joust it out. You have many types of soldiers in this arena. Here are a few:
Negative Nilly – This person only posts about the ills in life. He/she uses Facebook as a platform to air out all the wrongs in this person’s life, another person’s life or the world in general. In the real world this person is usually quiet as a deceased dove because they know nobody cares to listen to their negativity, but on the Facebook battle grounds he/she is the voiciest of the voices. “…hates when you let someone into your lane and they don’t even wave at you to thank you”. Uh yeah, thanks for that observation that does nothing for anybody so you shouldn’t have even said anything anymore ever.
Homer – The great philosopher. All of a sudden this person swears that they hold all the keys to life’s mysteries. This person even dangled a few keys in front of your face when you posted a picture of you and your brothers playing beer pong. Who can make a philosophical quote about 4 dudes playing beer pong? This guy can. Telling everyone how to live their life and writing poetry about raindrops and shit. Meanwhile offline, this person is still living with their parents at 32 years of age, ironically looks like Homer the cartoon character, constantly talks about The Walking Dead, is saving up for a $15 crossbow (what grown person has to save up $15?) and smells like rotten crayons. But again, in the Facebook fight club, this person is an all knowing, all seeing eye of the littles and bigs of life. “Love is a swimming pool. It’s best when you are in it” – thanks dude, now return my Mr. Deeds DVD that I let you borrow 5 years ago.
Diss Ninja – I don’t know about you, but I love a well thought out Facebook sneak attack diss. I don’t like airing out my problems with other people on the ‘book, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy when other people do it. Case in point: when a person on your timeline disses a mutual friend in a sneaky way. Then when the person that is being dissed responds, the disser denies that they are talking about him/her. It’s all in a day’s work of a diss ninja. All there is to do now is pop your favorite kernel, pop a Coke tab and let the drama ensue. It’s funny when you know who this person is talking about. “The girl with the pink shirt, curly hair and names starts with the letter D needs to leave other girl’s men alone. Her legs open wider than a large mouth sea bass.” Whoa!!! Let’s get ready to rumble!!!
The Anti-Citizen – This soldier always says he hates Facebook, but if he hates it so much then why does he have a Facebook with 700+ friends? This person rarely posts, but is always ghosting, being nosey on other peoples statuses. He probably has a stupid food blog that is way worse than a Facebook status. This person is currently wearing a blue hoodie, is semi-hungover and typing this dumb ass blog post right now. This person also didn’t take a shower this morning because he woke up 30 minutes before he had to go to work. I want to fight this person so bad right meow.
The Ya-Ya Sisterhood – Who drowned in an apartment complex swimming pool and made you a relationship guru? We applaud your 10 daily posts about what a real man is, what females want in a real man, what cologne real men should sport on a date, what real men should wear, when real men should brush their teeth, how real men should drive in a carpool lane, etc., etc. Yes, thank you for your insightful knowledge on how the men of the world should act. You have drawn up this herculean image that every man and his brother should adapt to. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love it if I could always say the right thing at the right time, eat the healthiest of foods, have abs like Brad Pitt, be a fashion enthusiast and make enough money to swim in. But I live in this little city called The Real World so unfortunately those aspects aren’t always accessible to me 100% of the time. By the way, this Facebook warrior has a 97% chance of being single and usually lives through her little sister because little sister is the only person that really listens to the BS that spews out the air hole she calls her mouth. Unfortunately, little sister also stays single too because big sister doesn’t approve of her boyfriends. They will ultimately end up like Patty and Selma from the Simpsons.
Copy and Paste Clown – Simply put, these men of great honor copies jokes they find on the internet, posts them on their timeline, people laugh and they take all the credit. No wonder why you’re not funny in real life. There is no Ctrl + V when you’re out in public.
The Foodie – And we have finally come to the legendary warrior. More popular than Maximus and more annoying than that shirt tag that has been making your lower neck itch all day. “Asparagus. Yum!” “Chicken. Yum!” “Gummi Bears. Yum!”. Yes, yes, yes, YES!!!…we understand that you are a yum factory and I don’t know why you think people care to be employed there as well. I’d understand if you were a cake designer or a chef by profession. By all means, show off your craft. That is no different than a painter showing off his/her latest canvas. But if you’re a secretary by day, us friends honestly don’t care about your sunny side up eggs at Denny’s. How do all these photos of your t-bone steak apply to the lives of others? What are you trying to accomplish by telling people you just ate sushi? And please stop taking pictures of my food and tagging me in the picture. You are now bringing me into your world of yum. A world that I’d gladly invite meteors to.
The Superhero – This is a late entry. I was about to hit the publish button when all of a sudden I slapped myself in the thigh with disgust. How could I forget this warrior dude guy. I just want to briefly bring to light this male who comes in to save the day when a girl posts about a recent break up. When a girl’s status goes from “in a relationship” to “single”, fellas, tie your capes on tight. Here you come to save the day!! “If you need anything, I’m always here for you”. That loosely translates into “I smell a basketball clanging off a rim and I want to rebound into your vagina” or “I know your vagina is now open for business and everything is on sale”. Yeah, I see you. We all see you. Close your mouth, I can smell your self respect coming out.