The 5 Workplace Eating Styles

May 14th, 2008 · No Comments

Brown Bagger- Who said you have to be in the 4th grade to bring your own lunch? Sure, all the preppies with Corvettes might not be doing it, but they also don’t get paid $8.27 an hour with no benefits. In reality, brown baggin’ your lunch is your best weapon in the war of “what am I going to eat for lunch today”. Bringing your own lunch can be the healthier and most economical choice if you choose it to be. Of course you could stuff your belly with fried chicken accompanied by a thermos of fried soda pop and completely destroy the philosophy of bringing in your own lunch. Don’t cheat yourself, treat yourself. Cook a tasty dish the night before so you can fill the office with the aroma of “kiss my a**, you ain’t getting’ none of these morsels. Now go out and buy your $11.00 freeze dried chicken meal.”

Dollars to Dine- This style is what most of us choose to do Monday thru Friday. And, as most of you know, this is the least economical choice. It will not only hurt your pockets, but in time it’ll most likely uppercut your arteries. After years and years of eating out for lunch your tongue gets numb because everything in the food court has that same sodium filled taste we all love. If you take a chance to step back and look at your food court then you will start to see robots. Robots dressed in the same type of clothes. Robots programmed to stand in line, shovel food in their mandible and leave all within a one hour time frame. However, there is a brighter side to this story; dining out gives you the opportunity to mingle amongst the other robots. If you’re area has a healthy, delicious and reasonably priced place to eat than consider yourself blessed. If not, consider yourself deceased in 10 years.

The Lucky/The Unfortunate- If you’re company has daily meals catered into the break room than this is a sign that your company is so wealthy it can afford to massage the taste buds of its employees. This catered meal usually consists of grade “A” meats, high calcium cheeses made from extinct animal milk and juices from the lost city of Atlantis. But don’t let the catered meal idea fool you. A daily catered lunch could also be a sign that your company is performing poorly and can’t afford to lose a single employee. Their attempt at feeding their troops is almost laughable. They try to butter up their employees with pies from the discount pizzeria. The toppings of choice are hot dog, imitation crab, Agent Orange or chedda (not cheddar cheese). Not surprisingly, the same pizzeria sells heroin out the back door.

On a Diet A.K.A. Too Broke to Binge- Face it, when a person doesn’t eat that means he/she is dead broke. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve been there before. Sh*t, I am a bucks away from being there right now. But here’s how you can flip this negative into a positive: You’re not broke, you’re on a diet. And here comes the applauses from all your co-workers who used to look like you, but let themselves go 20 years ago. This is when you have to turn your hunting instincts on and scavenge for company party leftovers.

Fridge Thief- This person is the lowest rung on the ladder of thieves. Even lower than the thief that steals candy from a baby. The NBA has a league called the D-League. These are for the bench players that don’t get any play in the big show. If thieves had a structure similar to the NBA then an office lunch thief would be in the W-League. It’s like this: If you didn’t put chicken in then you don’t take chicken out. The fridge is not a magic box.

Which one of the five workplace eating styles best suits you?

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