Party Beer Etiquette/Rules
1. The Switcharoo – Their’s nothing wrong with not having a whole bunch of money. I don’t have a whole bunch of money. My mailman most likely doesn’t have a whole bunch of money. Yo mama doesn’t have a whole bunch of money. So since we’re a community of mailmen and mamas that don’t have a whole bunch of money, some times we can’t afford to bring a 20 pack of Newcastle beer to the party. So, we’ll pick up a 12 pack of Natty Ice for the party people. Nothing wrong with that. However, their is a rule you must follow. If you bring cheap beer to the party you must drink at least one can or bottle of your cheap beer before diving into the cooler for a more expensive beer. You can’t bring a pack of Bud Ice and go directly for the imported beer made from hops wrestled out of the hands of ancient Papua New Guinea war mongols.
2. Credit Check – We all have selfish, cheap, not fans of common sense friends. These are the same people that love to attend a good party, but do not subscribe to the fact that courteous party-goers usually tend to bring an item to contribute to the party. You don’t have to bring diamond encrusted bb guns for the entire party. A bottle of Two Buck Chuck is perfectly fine. So, if I happen to be rolling with this friend to a party and he decides to bring nothing and I decide to bring 2 packs of beer, by no means will I allow him to take one of my packs inside the party so he can take credit for the beer I bought. If I bought 5 packs of beer I will duct tape all 5 packs to my back and bring it in myself. This sly friend will probably say something like, “Can I help you with that?” or “You want me to carry one of those?”. Now, don’t misconstrue this for him being helpful, but rather it’s their way of saying, “I’m so wicked I will not buy anything for the party, but I want it to seem like I did without using any of my money”. If a friend has a legitimate reason for not bringing anything to the party (broke, just got off work, forgot, etc.) then I may let him hold my pack of cigarettes so he can distribute them when someone is looking for one.
3. Toast of the Town – The rule of thumb for toasting is one toast per beer bottle/can. Toasting every 2-3 sips is breaching this unspoken contract and is punishable by a 30 minute close conversation with someone that has dookie brown breath and grilled onion underarms. The rule for group beer toasting is that you must physically clink your beer with the people that are within a few steps and an arm’s length of you. Air toasts are perfectly acceptable for those that aren’t within this radius. You do not have to wait for the idiot that wants to duck-duck-goose around the whole table to physically clink his glass with everyone. Once I’m finished with the air toasting phase I am immediately putting that beer into my mouth area. The rule for where to toast is simple: no mouth to mouth toasting. When toasting you are to aim for the middle section of the can, bottle or glass. On occasion you and your toasting partner may slip and touch mouths. If this unfortunate scenario happens between two men, do not lock eyes and quickly begin to talk about all the hot ass in the bar and how much you enjoy repairing old Camaro’s. If this happens between two females, quickly start a conversation about purses and lotions that smell like fruit. If you’re not immature (unlike myself) these rules do not apply to you.
4. No Take Backs – If you bring a pack of beer to a party the only way you can take that beer back home with you is if the box is unopened. If one beer leaves that box then the remaining beer is now property of the house you brought it to. Breaking this rule is punishable by 100 Amazon gorillas farting in your vehicle.
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So watcha sayin’?