Ahhh yes, the temp; we’ve all held the title or been acquainted with this person at some point. These breed of workers are best known for their high tolerance for disrespect and canine style obedience to superiors. Since they are temps their state of mind tells them that everybody in the company is their superior. Did I mention they are always cheerful? Like some sort of jovial cyborg that’s programmed to be overdressed and face to the pavement drunk at happy hours. Temps are so ripe and jolly for two reasons: (1) most of the times they are fresh out of high school or broke college students, so any work that births a paycheck is feel good work or (2) they’ve been absent from a job for so long that they will literally <insert something sexually unbelievable here>. This is why the temp is a perfect tool to help make your stay in the office a bit more tolerable.
Ch-ch-check the scenario. It’s Monday morning, you’re staggering to the caffeine machine, faded Lacoste polo half ironed and last night’s 3AM binger has overstayed its visit in your stomach. All you’re fiending for now is a 3 hour vacation in dreamland. You’re inside voice is telling you “It’s Monday and you have a stack of worthless paperwork to handle so no visits to the sandman for you a**hole”. Since you’re first class tired you will be submissive to anyone, but this is not the time to listen to the tiny dictator inside your head. Instead, find a solution to your resolution. Luckily for you the answer so happens to be sitting two cubes away. The temp; the source of everlasting youth, whose hair is glistening from too much Vidal Sassoon and whose cologne smells of bi-sexual. Then you tell yourself bi-sexual is not a scent, but if it did have an odor then that would be the fragrance. Anyways, deceiving the temp is a simple idea, however, delegating your workload is not as simple as it seems. You just don’t tread over and start Hitler’ing orders. No sir-eeeeee. The approach must be perfect as to set up for a beautiful landing.
Approaching a temp is very similar to approaching a pretty female. Confidence is key and being timid is your downfall. Be sure to create warm eye contact before you draw your pistols. Gentle eye contact before an approach is like saying “I’m harmless, my aura is hot orange and my game is ice cold” without having to speak the actual words. Now walk…no, scratch that…glide over to the temp. Glide, glide, bounce, twirl and POUNCE. Okay, wrong desk. Let’s just walk. So stroll on over to the temp, put extra emphasis on a “special project” (which is really your regular day’s work), stress the fact that there is talk of downsizing within the company and be very vague. This way you instill fear of unemployment, give him a chance to lower that risk and your vagueness will always keep him on a leash. The scenario should go like this:
You: Hi, good morning temp.
Temp: Good morning sir/mam. How was your…
<interrupt the temp mid-sentence>
Man, just stressin’ over this meeting with the uppers.
You: Yeah, and on top of that they want me to find somebody to complete this special project. Like, how do they expect me to get my work done, find time to assign someone to this project and, on top of that, worry about getting laid off?
Temp: Laid off?
You: Don’t worry about it. You’ll land on your feet. It’s just this special project. I know it’s important, but so is my work. I don’t want to spend half my day rearranging people’s schedules so I can fit this project in and get it turned in by the end of the week. Those damn communists.
<this is when the temp will take the bait>