There once was a time when you walked into your hotel room and were greeted with an Andes Chocolate Mint on your pillow. That simple, subtle gesture made you that more jolly…if only for a second. Though those days have been replaced with you being greeted with a strangers pubic hair on your hotel sheets, imagine if you were always greeted with an Andes Mint in all situations. The world would be a better place…it really would. Wait a minute, you don’t have to imagine, I’ll do the imagining for you:

<you are in a police interrogation room> 

Detective: “Now listen to me you little bitch, I’ma ask you some real simple questions and I want some real simple answers. Understand? Now let me get this right, you bought….the bottle…..of beer…..at about 11:15?”

You: “I - I bought the beer and I accidently dropped it —-”

Detective: “You BOUGHT…..the bottle……of beer…..at 11:15?”

You: “At….yeah….at 11:15. Yeah. 11:15“

Detective: “Then why wasn’t the bottle cleaned up? Why…..did we find…..the bottle…..still lying there……spilled….on the floor…..after the shooting?”

You: “When I was…..after we was leavin’…. after I left…other people was comin’ in, they, after we was leavin’”

Detective: “But you don’t remember what they -”

You: “LOOKED like”

Detective: “But you bought the bottle of beer, definitely….at 12:15“

You: “Yeah it was 12:15, exact, if I’m not mistaken”

Detective: “Now see somethin’?….now you see now……you know you done fucked up……..you know you done fucked up, you know that, don’t ya?”

<Detective stares at you for two minutes without saying a word, goes into his breast pocket and pulls something out>

Detective: “Would this change your mind?” <shows you an irresistible Andes Mint>

<You sit there for 20 seconds trying to resist the Andes Mint. Your face kinda looks like you need to take a big doo-doo>

You: “OKAY, OKAY…I shot that ching-chong mofo! Send the mint my way!!!” <you jump over the table to try to grab the mint>

Detective: <smoothly signals to the guards outside the door> “HA, HA…get this piece of shit out of my sight. You disgust me.”

<Detective then eats the tasty Andes Mint as you are watching while they are dragging you away>

You:  <pointing at the Detective as he devours the delicious Andes Mint> “YOU AIN’T RIGHT MAN, YOU AIN’T RIGHT!!! WHAT ABOUT MY LEGS CHARLIE MURPHAYYYYYYYY??!!?? <END SCENE>

A few months ago, as I was searching the Walgreens for the coolest allergy medication, I found myself in the ice cream section. I don’t even remember how I got there. For all I know, one of the Walgreens employees carried me from the medicine isle to the ice cream section. If that wasn’t weird enough, I was also dressed in a baseball catchers uniform…very odd indeed. Anyways, what caught my eye in the freezer was a familiar logo. As I moved closer to inspect the logo further, I realized that the symbol was the Andes Chocolate Mint logo. I dropped to my knees and starting crying right then and there. I quickly grabbed about 10 pints and jetted out the store. I didn’t even pay for the ice cream. I ran out the door and ran back to my house which was like 3 miles away.

Then when I got home I dropped some cookies in the ice cream and started to chow down. Oh my goodness gracious!!! THE BEST THING EVER!!! <END SCENE & CURTAIN CLOSES>

***APPLAUSES AND ROSES FALL FROM THE BALCONY***

And if you haven’t yet guessed what the above dialogue was from:

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